***SUNDAY NIGHT CONFESSION (#1)*** “You did WHAT??????”

As a woman who is, as we speak, ALL the way grown, I get a kick out of telling my mother reckless/stupid/ childish things that I did as a teenager.  I mean, what’s she gonna do about it now?  Ground me?  Confessing these things to her is freeing; It’s even entertaining to see that look on her face.  And the best part?  It draws the two of us closer and we’re left with some very interesting things to discuss.

“You did what?”  Those were her exact words when I confessed to her that, at the tender age of 16…….I was “involved” with a 29 year-old man.  Now…..I know you’re probably thinking all sorts of things about this right now, starting with “What was this man thinking?”  Honestly?  I can’t answer that question.  He’d be the only one who could shed any light on what would make him engage in ANY type of relationship with a child only six years older than his own child at the time.  But what I can tell you is where MY head was at the time.

I’ve always, as far back as I can remember, looked grown for my age.  I’d somehow manage to draw the attention of the twenty-something crowd in the neighborhood just as easily as I would the boys I passed in the hallways at school.  I’m only mildly ashamed to say that I lied about my age on occasion as not to scare off the ones that I was actually interested in (Was I the only one who did that?).  This man, however, was not one of the ones that I deceived.  He knew before even asking for my number that I was barely old enough to drive.

To make this easier, let’s call him J.  J worked in the warehouse of an appliance manufacturer nearby.  We met on a fluke.  One of my girls was dating one of J’s co-workers, and we noticed each other immediately.  He was VERY attractive in the face, tall (about 6’3 or 6’4), caramel complexion just like me, nice lean build, and he had this mysterious vibe about him that always left me wondering what he was thinking.  It didn’t take him long to make his way over to the car where I sat waiting – my mother’s car of course – to make his move.

No time was wasted; he put my cell phone number to use that first night.  I don’t remember how long we talked, but I do remember loving the sound of his deep voice and how mature his conversation was.  (Duh, stupid, you were talking to a grown man – how else was he supposed to sound?)  I blushed a lot, laughed a lot, and, in the long run, did a lot of sneaking around to hide the REAL identity of the man I’d been spending so much time with on the phone.

I was like a moth drawn to a flame.  He’d call, I’d come running.  There were secret meetings and late night chats that make me cringe now that I’m a mother.  I think of how easy it was to get away with it all and the countless other things I kept to myself.  What if he’d been even more of a predator than he was?  What if I hadn’t been such a chicken and gave in to his sexual advances?  What if…….my own daughters find themselves in a similar situation and I don’t hear about it until THEY’RE 30?  Hmm……maybe it wasn’t as funny as I thought it was when I told my mother about this one.

How’d it all end you ask?  I’ll tell you.  That still, small voice inside my head eventually grew loud enough to get my attention over the sound of J’s addictive baritone.  In subtle ways, I began to realize that “maybe he’s not the one for me”.  There were unnatural interactions that made me uncomfortable, like the time I was complaining about not being able to find something and he told me that I’d probably be able to get to it if I cleaned my room – just like my mother would’ve said.   Long story short, I distanced myself and eventually stopped answering his phone calls.

Was he sick?  Did he have malicious intentions?  You’re guess is as good as mine on that last one, but I’d have to say that, yes, there is something deeply wrong with a man who would entertain the thought of involving himself with an underage girl.  Was there something wrong with me?  Since this is my Sunday Night Confession, I’ll keep it one hundred.  At that time in my life, I definitely needed some guidance.  I was looking for love in all the wrong places which landed me in some questionable situations.  Stories like these always baffle my mother because, in her eyes, she kept a tight rein on me.  This is true, but she worked full-time and went to school full-time which left a lot of hours unaccounted for in terms of my whereabouts.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a bad kid, but I had the tendency to take advantage of the limited freedom that I had on occasion.

So there you have it, my confession for the week.  I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is, right?  Comment, ask questions, share….whatever floats your boat!  Thanks for reading!

An excerpt from ‘Gravity’, the first book in my 4-part (BW/AM) interracial romance series titled ‘Free Falling’ –

“Suddenly, the doorknob to the attic rattled, causing me to jump.  Stupid me forgot to lock the door!  AJ lifted himself off the couch instantly and we pulled on the clothing that we had time to grab.  I heard footsteps on the stairs and I could hardly control the shaking in my hands as I struggled with my shirt.  By the time my mom reached the top of the stairs that was all I had on and AJ stood beside me wearing nothing but his jeans.  My head was down as she flicked the light on and came to her own conclusions about what AJ and I were doing.  The embarrassment that I felt was unbelievable.  I couldn’t lift my eyes to look at either one of them.  She took a minute to speak, but then finally whispered my name in a disappointed tone.  There was no mistaking what was taking place.  I imagined that she was observing my pants and AJ’s t-shirt slung carelessly onto the floor – plus my hair was a mess.  A tear ran down my cheek as I sat before my mother in the most compromising of situations.”

– Looks like I wasn’t the only one getting into trouble…….



Posted on December 9, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Raven,
    Girl you are among friends (computer wise anyway). How many times did I find myself drawn to older men for the same reason. Looking grown an body and a child in the brain. I really thought it was cool until I started to grow up and mature. Like you it never went anywhere sexual, but I’m glad looking back that they didn’t force the issue. Continue to writer the great story you have released and You have a fan for life with me.

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